Conspiracy Theory

I've recently become aware of a conspiracy. It involves mothers everywhere.

This whole "having a baby" thing.

"There's nothing like it!" they say. "You're life will be changed forever." "It's a miracle."

All true statements. Yes. But I'm pretty sure deep, down inside every mother laughs to herself after she says it. Not a light-hearted chuckle, no, a deep cackle, fingers tapping against each other, some sort of weird twitch in her eye. "There's nothing like it....my pretty." Muahahahahahaha.

Now don't get me wrong. This guy is amazing. Just look at him. Cutest baby EVER. Just try to argue with me. I'm a mother now, so I will knock you out if you don't think my baby is the most adorable thing on the planet. We good?

But this conspiracy is huge. It's all the things that no one tells you before you have a baby so that they can secretly laugh at you when you walk away. There are probably mom groups out there that meet just to laugh with each other about such matters. "Wanna hear what this pregnant woman told me today? She's going to put her baby on a schedule at 6 weeks. Bwhahaha!" [Cue entire group of said moms erupting in earlier described cackle]

So I'm letting the cat out of the bag. Consider this the beginning of my list of All The Things No One Tells You BEFORE You Have A Baby:

1. Sure, labor is painful. But be ready for 4-6 weeks of feeling like you've been repeatedly run over by a truck. Especially in a certain area.  (Now, my friends are kind and did actually give me a heads up about this one. I just want any mothers-to-be out there to be aware because I'm pretty sure knowing this simple fact made my recovery so much easier.)

2. Almost 12 weeks later and I still pee a little when I sneeze. Just a warning.

3. You will read every baby book out there and still find yourself laying in bed at night ready to ball your eyes out because none of them can explain why your baby is doing or not doing such-and-such. There really isn't an instruction manual that comes with your baby.

4. Those extra hormones don't go away after you give birth. No, if you are breastfeeding they park the car and take up residence in your tear ducts. And you will shamelessly cry at every happy or sad moment. Or when you run out of coffee and chocolate.

5. For every issue that comes up, you'll jump right on your search engine of choice and look up the answer. You will find no less than 5 opposing views for each topic you search and, head spinning, decide that it's not that important anyway.
(This, I've decided is also part of the conspiracy. Those mom groups get together and create fake websites full of "professional" information from top "doctors" with "research". They also create the other 4 opposing websites.)


Don't worry. This mom things is pretty great. It's a totally different sense of purpose and I have not for a nanosecond wanted to go back to the way things were before no matter how much he cries or poops or wakes up after the third 20 minute nap of the day just when I've sat down to rest. That must be part of the conspiracy too!